Friday, October 21, 2011

He can't play basketball...Top 10 list!

Since Big Thyme has the football blog covered, I'm going change lanes from grid iron talk to hardwood jargon.  Many college programs have started their first day of "Official" practice with midnight madness.  Even better, the sky blue and white are ranked first in the coaches poll. Now on the professional end, let's just say the million and billionaires continue to cat fight it out. No sweat, I'm all for a 53 game NBA season anyway. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. This time a year brings out ballers of all skills, height, and ages. Now that I've reached my mid-thirties I pacify my passion for hoops with an occasional pick-up game or two.  One thing remains constant in pick-up hoops is at some point you're going to be placed on a team with some character who's mouth proceeds his game. To help you avoid this hardwood disaster I've created a top ten list of signs "He can't play basketball."

1.  If he comes to the court wearing his entire high school varsity basketball practice uniform; and he's easily pushing 35! "He can't play" This is just a fundamental pick-up game no-no. This goes for the yahoo who sports the NBA team nearest you attire. Which includes league breakaway pants and shooting shirt.

2. If the baller dribbles 12 times before getting his shot off during the pre-game shoot around... "He can't play!" True ballers know if you can't get your shot off in 3 dribbles there's some more work needed to be done.

3. Speaking of dribbling! I know you've seen this dude. He's everywhere! You can find him at the mall, grocery stores, wedding receptions, airport terminals, elevators, public bathrooms, bus stops, and many other obscure non-basketball locations. That's right, I'm talking about you Mr. Fancy Air Basketball dribbler! Show me a coach who practices "Air Basketball Dribbling" and I'll swim the National Harbor with nothing but a headband..."He can't play!"

4. Footwear is essential for a true baller but you will find this guy at a court nearest you. I must admit I do find this type of baller amazing, because his threshold for pain is not human. I'm referring to the hooper who balls in Timberland boots, Nike boots, flip flops, and red wing boots..."He can't play!"

5. If his first shot is from half-court need I say more? "He can't play!"

6. If he tells you to clear out...when you're already on the other side of the basketball court..."He can't play!" What makes matters worse is you're the only person on his team.

7. I'm all for protective gear especially at 30 and over. Standard pick-up hooping protective apparel normally includes the following: ankle braces, knee brace, shooting sleeve, headband, wristband, goggles, and occasionally a Rip Hamilton protective mask. But if he's wearing the entire aforementioned protective gear at once..."He can't play!"

8. I know we're talking pick-up hoops but I couldn't leave my coaches hanging. This is from a coaching perspective. If you ask me why your son isn't receiving any playing time when he hasn't recorded a rebound or lay-up during the pre-game warm-up..."The father and the son can't play"

9.  If he happens to show you several pictures that includes him and Kevin Garnett, AI, Chris Webber, Rasheed Wallace and more...He's use to taking pictures thus "He can't play!"

10. If he has the NBA tattoo logo on his arm and never signed a contract; not even a 10 day contract, just for being an idiot..."He can't play!"

This is TQ...Remember to tune into "The Walkons radio show" on

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